my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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