i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You need a sexual gate keeper
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
