stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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