She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
