I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
