dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
