My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
