i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
me + whiskey = a bad person
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
