I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
