We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
