Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
