The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
