i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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