Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
