i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
too bad you live with your parents still
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
