I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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