I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
