So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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