So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
