I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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