I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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