I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
