??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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