dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
