How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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