Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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