I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
