just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
