I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
