At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
