Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need water and some morals
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
