3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
