cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
