Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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