it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
