I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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