weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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