My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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