I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
