I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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