when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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