conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
