Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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