Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
