I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
