did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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