I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
