Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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