You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
