feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
only if we run a train.
done.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
